Fancy a chuckle?

**Updated**

DARTHS, LITTLE FLOWER The Darth Vader (Aristolochia Salvadorensis)

**Updated**

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department
For Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees
The statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit.He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
*****************************************

 

The Indians on a the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.



But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.





So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.



Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood !'

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

WTF........

 

The Iranian
>> Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech,
>> and walked out into
>> the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced
>> to a United States
>> Marine Corps General.
>>
>> As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just
>> one question about what I have seen in America." The
>> General said, "Well, is
>> there anything I can do to help?"
>>
>> The Iranian whispered, "My son
>> watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it
>> there is.... Kirk who is
>> Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
>> Uhura who is black,
>> and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son
>> is very upset and
>> doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
>> Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians,
>> Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star
>> Trek'. "
>>
>> The
>> General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and
>> whispered in his ear,
>> "That's because it takes place in the
>> future...
>>
>>
>>

**Updated**

THIS IS TOO CUTE NOT TO SHARE
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids,when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's calledsexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,itisn'tcalled sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

**Updated**

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her ass sore.

 

I do my best,but editing the better one's out, is a PIA.glad you enjoy,Iwill try and and keep them coming. Bon Apetite!!!! that doe's not look right,oh well Essen voll.

**Updated**

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

**Updated**

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age,' Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.

 

A
jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot
comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for
flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the
"ROCK".

He
forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.

The
co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first
I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna
wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on
the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast
and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile,
the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is
so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn
the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old
lady's bag and down she goes.

The
old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta
land the plane and take a shit first..

 

A woman asks her husband at
breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and
coffee?"____ He declines. "Thanks for
asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if
he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup,
homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The
Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need
for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he
wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye
steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says,
"Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody
starving."

**Updated**

Man said to his wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you devil"

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting,....... bugger off”

 

Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘ Oh my Lord’, then quickly left.


Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

 

Paddy , the Irish Wrestler

> Paddy , the Irish wrestler was set to square off for the Olympic
> gold medal against Ivan , the Russian champion . Before the final match , the Irish
> wrestler's
> trainer came to him and said " Now , don't forget all the research we've
> done
> on this Russian . He's never lost a match because of this ' pretzel '
> hold he has . It ties you up in knots . Whatever you do , do not let him get
> you in that hold ! If he does , you're finished ... " The Irishman nodded in
> acknowledgment .
> As the match started , the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
> several times , looking for an opening . All of a sudden , the Russian
> lunged forward , grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
> hold . A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
> his face in his hands , for he knew all was lost . He couldn't watch the
> inevitable happen . Suddenly , there was a long , high pitched scream , then
> a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch
> the Russian go flying up in the air . His back hit the mat with a thud and
> the Irishman collapsed on top of him , pinning him down and winning
> the match ! ! The trainer was astounded . When he finally got his wrestler
> alone , he asked , " How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has
> ever done that before ! ! ! "
> The Irishman answered , " Well , I was ready to give up when he got me
> in that hold , but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
> testicles right in front of my face . I had nothing to lose so with my last
> ounce of strength , I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
> hard as I could ... "
> The trainer exclaimed , " That's what finished him off ? ? "
> " Not really " , answered Paddy , " but you'd be amazed how
> strong you get when you bite your own balls ... ! ! ! "

**Updated**

A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."
·The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.
·"What is the problem?" asked the knight.
·His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."

**Updated**

A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the schoolandeven moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!

…don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor
,_