Fancy a chuckle?

Why I Mow My Own Lawn - Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

 

Anne Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex. Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.

**Updated**

>> Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their
> >>> friends and workmates:
> >>>
> >>> "Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.
> >>>
> >>> "The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag
> >>> on the side).
> >>>
> >>> "The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he
> >>> always replies:
> >>> ' I'll get back to you on that. '
> >>>
> >>> "The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.
> >>>
> >>> "Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.
> >>>
> >>> "Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the
> >>> picture...'
> >>>
> >>> "Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
> >>>
> >>> "The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
> >>>
> >>> "Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
> >>>
> >>> "Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..
> >>>
> >>> "The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this
> >>> guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
> >>>
> >>> "The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
> >>>
> >>> "The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry,
> >>> my hands are tied.'
> >>>
> >>> "The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!
> >

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said i...n court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

 

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

**Updated**

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "**** that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

 

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them,"If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!"the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued,"Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely females. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they... do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
the man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy him gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."



On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



At an Optometrist's Office:"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."



On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."



On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :"Invite us to your next blowout."





On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."



In a Non-smoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."



On aMaternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push."



At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."



Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"



At the Electric Company"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be delighted."



In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."



At a Propane Filling Station:"Thank heaven for little grills."



CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:"Best place in town to take a leak."



And the best one for last...

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

**Updated**

Subject: Robot For Sale!!


A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale

 

The Properway to call someone a Bastard
----- A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first couple holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

 

I don't get it..