Fancy a chuckle?

cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.
He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?":
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged:
"I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"" I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said:
"She'll be 16 in 20 minutes."

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but no body had been found. When giving the closing statement, his high-flying lawyer knew there was a good chance of him being convicted.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” said the lawyer.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” And she turned and pointed at the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.
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Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt - I saw all of you stare at the door!!”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did."

"But your client didn’t.”

 

An American tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and did not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakened one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see his doctor.

The doctor, having never seen anything like that before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looked a little relieved and said, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."


The doctor answered, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your member."

The man screamed in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replied, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his member and proclaimed, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy said to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my member!"

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The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way."

"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replied.

"Yes!" said the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself

**Updated**

Mary checked into the Starlight motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce

a dime off his well-oiled buns .

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

**Updated**

How long do you have wait, to stop this update nonsense ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol

 

...

 

Hahahaha i think i'll get me one of those


Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

 

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.


After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.


True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

"Benny...Benny..."
"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).


Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

 

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"

"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.



A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"



"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.



A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"



"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"



He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."



He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.



"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.


"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."



"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"



"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"