Fancy a chuckle?

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'



Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?!'

 

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family.

Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.


"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said.

"I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave.




On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the ENTIRE amount."

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.


At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."




"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"


The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."




The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.


He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir?

We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95,Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,Disco Barbie for $19.95,Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."





The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."

**Updated**

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even
harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's
remaining stock of 50 and this time for £75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand
for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy,
"..please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for £200.00 each."

 

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.



The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.

**Updated**

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.


The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.



The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "what would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."


The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the 'big liar' size."


The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, I'm looking for something to put on a camel."

 

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.


"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.




"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25!" another jogger yells at him.

 

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book.
It says that American Indians have the longest penises and
Greek men are the best in bed.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

 

Well since it is a sign in the window "I DON'T KNOW THE TIME." The jogger awaken him to tell him thats the joke



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