Fancy a chuckle?

Gorilla Sex
A small zoo in the South obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorillawas in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem,the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, heannounced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:"First" , Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition."Second" , he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition."Third" , he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."The keeper again readily agreed to this condition."Fourth" , Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.And last ," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.

 

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky!

Boy and his friend go into church. The boy tells his friend he is going to confess to his recent sexual encounter. The boy goes into confession.

Boy: Father, forgive me as I have sinned. Recently I had sex with a loose woman.
Priest: My son, who was this loose woman?
Boy: Father, I will not reveal her identity, it would be up to her to confess.
Priest: Was it Susan Peterson?
Boy: Father, as I have said, I cannot say.
Priest: Was it Julia Andrews?
Boy: Father, I know we are supposed to tell you everything, but I just will not say.
Priest: Was it Andrea Johnson?
Boy: Please father, I will not say
Priest: Ok, say 3 hail marrys

The boy leaves the confessional and sees his friend

Friend: What did the priest give you?
Boy: Three good leads!

 

@kevin bangkok I literally cried laughing

 

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!

That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

*****************************I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25O Litres of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
Mistake, and thought that she probably meant 2.5 Litres
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 250 Litres of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 Litres?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 250 Litres. I'm going to fill
My bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
Look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it, wait for it .......
↓
↓
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits .....
I can splash it on my eyes!

**Updated**

> A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two
> > female teachers,
> > > went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and
> > learn about
> > > thoroughbred horses.
> > > When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it
> > was decided
> > > that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
> > would go with the
> > > other.
> > > The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
> > the men's toilet
> > > when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
> > them could
> > > reach the urinal.
> > > Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
> > their
> > > underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,
> > holding their
> > > willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
> > > As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
> > that he was unusually
> > > well endowed.
> > > Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
> > said, 'You must be
> > > in year four.'
> > > 'No, love,' he replied.
> > > "I'm riding Desert Orchid in the 2.15"

 

I don't know why that particular donor sends every e-mail the same, very rarely I forward them,because of the format,
won't ask how you rectified it LOL!! yes i will is it easy or not???

 

aargh, sorry was in a hurry, they where doubled? up, thought it looked a little long, normally there's big gaps
between each line lol.

 

Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they

didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front

of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled

the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned

this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back

garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have

hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the

girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very

generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see

it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough

before."

"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"

**Updated**

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence …
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When
you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."


That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.


The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"


The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."