Fancy a chuckle?

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.


The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.




Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"


The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.




The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."

 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"


"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"


At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

 

Three tourists were driving through Wales.


As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

“LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first.

“No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second.

“I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed.




They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blonde employee:

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

“Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”

 

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.


His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.





“Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”





The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

 

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.


Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "this should impress him!"




He showed his son a machine and said: "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said: "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The furious father thought and said: "Yes son, we call it your mother."

 

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.


She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.

It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.

She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.




As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.



We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.




The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!

Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

"I did, they're in your tackle box."

 

Back in the old Wild West, there were two stupid scoundrels, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.


The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground." He then says, "If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I'll give him $1000."

The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw an Indian, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two nuts scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, look at this!" Dave replied, "Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”




Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: "I really think you should look at this."

“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?”

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, just take a damn look!”

So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians – and their horses.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

 

A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.
In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"






He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says,

"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

 

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."


The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

 

Husband Store
>
> A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
> the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE !
>>
> There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
> shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . ..
> you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
> building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
>>
> On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
> have jobs and love the Lord.

> The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the
Lord, and love kids.
>
> The third floor sign reads:
> Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
> extremely good looking.
> "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
> Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
> dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!
> "she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
>>Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
> dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
> this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
>


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.


He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men: "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!


"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

 

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.


They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.




It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.