Fancy a chuckle?

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.


He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey's going to amount to nothing.

As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look.

Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.



He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

 

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.


By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's O.K.," she says.

"They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl!

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.




"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground."

"The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

 

Munusamy was baptized. The pastor dipped his head into water 3 times and said you are now baptized. Your sins are forgiven, you are a new creation in Christ, your name is now Jacob. No more drinking of alcohol.

Jacob went home and goes to his refrigerator, took all his alcohol bottles out, dipped them into water 3 times and said you're baptized, your sins are forgiven, you're a new creation in Christ, your name is now Fruit Juice.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Reminds me of what is still my favorite history books, Asterix the Gaul. Their druid Getafix made a magic potion that gave anyone who drinks it, super human strength. Nefarius Purpus as head to the 1st legion, 3rd cohort, 2nd manipule, 1st century quickly learns that the Gauls are not to be messed with. But centurion Gluteus Maximus eventually becomes friends with the Gauls.

 

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?


The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc...

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

 

One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.

"Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.

"Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.

"Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

"Give me the good news first."

"Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."


The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.

He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.

So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.


The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.

The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”

"I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

 

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating." "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."




"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."