Fancy a chuckle?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye.

 

A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


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Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."

 

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.








"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.








"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

 

A lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by the sheriff.

"Ma'am, I have to warn you, you have a broken stake on your wheel," says the sheriff.

"Oh dear. I'll let my husband, Jacob know as soon as I get home," she replies.



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"That's fine," he continues. "Another thing, ma'am... I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that terrible cruelty to the animal. Have your husband take care of that right away."

The woman thanks him and drives home.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the sheriff.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said a stake is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in a heartbeat. Said the husband. "What else?"

The wife replied: "I'm not sure, Jacob - something to do with the emergency brake."

 

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.


“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.








The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”


So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair.


She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application.










When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office.


She sniffed at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

 

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.





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When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? No?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!

 

This arrived from a Thai Supplier today.
I know what it's supposed to say, innocent typo or some dark humor

Sent from my CLT-L29 using Tapatalk

 

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.

Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.

Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.

The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar.






"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf."

The Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before

"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman.

The bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"

 

At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.


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Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."

 

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky, were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"



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So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.


"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

 

An old man and his wife had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a locked chest on top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.


For all of these years, he had never thought about the chest, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.


In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the chest and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the chest. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money that came out to about $95,000.



He asked her about the contents.

She replied: 'When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'


The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the chest. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

Honey,' he said. 'That explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'


'Oh!' she said. 'That's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'

**Updated**

A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.



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He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.

The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.

"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."

Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.


That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.

Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

 

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."


"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you
only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.



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One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life."

 

politically incorrect: you can read as it or change the place, the situation, the personage wen reading (the admin can just erase the bad joke)
It’s two politicians from my place , walking around during a G7 break.
The first one walks in a piece of shit.
The second one (as a good man) warns him: "Be careful, brother, you just walked in a dog shit".
the first one crouched down, touched with a finger, gouged his tongue out, test and said:
"Thank you, my friend. You’re right, it’s dog shit. Watch yourself, don’t step on it".