Fancy a chuckle?

George wanted to last longer during intercourse.

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.

Suddenly, George had a flash of inspiration, and he realized what he should do.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck’s undercarriage.



Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to pleasure himself.

Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.



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said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …

“Go look in the garage.”

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but no body had been found. When giving the closing statement, his high-flying lawyer knew there was a good chance of him being convicted.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” said the lawyer.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” And she turned and pointed at the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt - I saw all of you stare at the door!!”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did."

"But your client didn’t.”

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"



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"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba..."

 

tonto goldstien. thanks for the new go to pseudonym.

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

 

A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it. The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy said, "He looks just fine. Tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 for him." The farmer again said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500. The farmer said, "Well, he doesn't look so good but if you want him that much he's yours." So the guy bought the horse and took him home. The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, "Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!" The farmer calmly said, "I told you he didn't look too good, didn't I?"

 

Looks like I cannot post here anymore ,I cannot copy & paste from the site,where I obtain my jokes I think
they have blocked it I have tried different methods nothing works, unless a member has the solution i"ve
had it , boo-hoo............

 

Absolutely - don`t give up Must be loads of alternative sources !!!