Fancy a chuckle?

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

**Updated**

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and proceeded enthusiastically
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."



--

 

Subject: I need to poison my husband


A nice, calm, well-dressed woman approached the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."


The pharmacist asked, "What on earth do you want cyanide for?"


The lady answered, "I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist was taken aback and said, "Now wait a minute. If I sold cyanide to you, we'd both go to prison. Absolutely, I cannot sell you any cyanide."


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


He looked at the picture and said, "This changes everything. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya feckin dip shit.

**Updated**

Oooops!
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived
there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his
virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many
virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are
here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could
experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since
they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on
constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you
fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it
be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women

 

Bert's New Cowboy Boots

Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?""Nope. Not a clue", she replied."IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

Couple in their 80's is celebrating their wedding anniversary. the husband tells the wife he would like to spice things up this year and hands her $200 to buy some lingerie. the woman goes to the store but remembers that her husbands eyes are not that good anymore, and she would prefer to use the money on some other clothing she has been wanting to buy.

that night as they go into the bedroom her husband tells her to try on the new lingerie. she goes into the bathroom and takes off all her cloths. after waiting the appropriate amount of time she comes out of the bathroom and into the bedroom completely naked.

her husband looks at her and says "for $200 dollars you would think they would iron it for you"

 

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied, "I miss mine." Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

 

Little boy sitting outside Sunday school crushing ants with his thumb. A priest walks by and hears the little boy saying

"MFing ants, MFing ants..."

The Priest asks the little boy what he is doing, and the little boy reply's "killing these useless ants." he continues to crush the ants with his thumb says "MFing ants, MFing ants"

The priest tells him "Ants are God's creation, God does not create things that are useless"

The little boy looks at the priest and says "I can name three things that are useless" The Priest intrigued tells the little boy "Ok, I am listening>"

The boy says "Tits on a nun, a cock on a priest, and these MFing ants"

 

Two Irish policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

--

**Updated**

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.

"I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a ******* Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment . . .
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

Too English for me to understand ^^

 

IRISH < Actually

**Updated**

Four friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.

" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .

All the 3 Ladies fainted ....


( This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)