Fancy a chuckle?

I usually do that to any woman trying to park

 

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

**Updated**

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
****************************

 

Nobody loves me:
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps
it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gunna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY”.
“I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen
and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to
put an end to it all”.
“I buy a drink, I drop a capsule into my glass and sit here watching
the poison dissolve.”
“Then you show up and drink the whole thing,
.........but enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children Are Quick____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a goodcook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

**Updated**

here's a few,keep you going for awhile.

 

You’ll like this one!

>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
>>>>
>>>> He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
>>>>
>>>> "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
>>>>
>>>> She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
>>>>
>>>> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
>>>>
>>>> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
>>>>
>>>> "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
>>>>
>>>> "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
>>>>
>>>> "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>>>>
>>>> Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
>>>>
>>>> We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
>>>>
>>>> "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
>>>>

**Updated**

I love this one,i laugh every time, punch line brilliant.lol !!!

 

Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories
on how they had died. First Woman: "I froze to death"

Second Woman: "You froze to death? how horrible!"
First Woman: "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking form the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Second Woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First Woman: "So what happened?"
Second Woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, then ran all the way back down to the basement and
searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
First Woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - We'd both still be alive..."

 

enjoy your wee! break, quite envious.lol

 

What do you get when you squeeze an orange?

Orangeade

What do you get when you squeeze a Lemon?

Lemonade

What doe you get when you squeeze a crocodile?




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Gatorade